…Then Comes The Baby in a Baby Carriage

Tea ~ White Silk Earl Grey

Greg & Sarah sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love. Check. Then comes marriage. Check.

Then comes the baby in a baby carriage.

I think I’ve always thought that if I play by all the rules and do all the right things, that nothing bad could ever happen to me. No one could touch me because I would be so ahead of everyone else that it wouldn’t matter. I march to the beat of my own drum regardless of what other people think of me. Rarely, if ever, have I given in to peer pressure. Never smoked, never been drunk, never did drugs. Instead was the designated driver. Graduated high school and college in the top of my class, played division 1 volleyball on scholarship. I did all the right things and said all the right things. I married a man that gives of himself, who is strong where I am weak and who is constantly reminding me that my worth is so much more than what I do. I love Jesus and His love for me is more real today than ever before.

In July of 2011, as we were packing up our house to put it on the market and make the move up to Chicago, we wanted to obtain more knowledge of adoption. God had put adoption on both of our hearts long before we met. It was the only thing we were sure of, we weren’t sure if we wanted our own children or not. So I found the National Adoption Conference in Washington D.C. and thought it would be both informative and a fun getaway for us, especially since Greg had been “commuting” up to Chicago during the week with his new position for 3-4 weeks already and we only saw each other on weekends. I sent him my flight itinerary to get into D.C. around the same time and he took care of reserving our rental car. I had to wait about an hour for his flight to land around 9:30pm, so I found a seat at a table at the Dunkin Donuts in the airport right outside his terminal. Then my phone rang.

Greg – “Hey, where are you?”
Me – “Sitting at the Dunkin’ Donuts outside your terminal.”
Greg – “What Dunkin Donuts? I’m getting on the train.”
Me – “What train? There’s a long hallway here, but no train.” The realization set in…”Wait, what airport are you at?”
Greg – “Dulles.”
Me – “I’m at Reagan.”
Greg – [nervous laughter] “Oh no! I’ll get the car and come get you.”

By this point, all of the restaurants at Reagan had closed while I was waiting for Greg so we could get a bite to eat together. I was hangry (a term we’ve lovingly coined to describe my hunger-induced anger and tendency to blow situations out of proportion that normally would not bother me) and would be waiting for at least another hour before eating, probably more and I had already eaten all of my snacks. When he finally arrived (even that was an ordeal with the confusing signs around the airport), he apologized and was truly sorry, but I couldn’t speak, nor did I want to for fear of saying something I’d regret. Instead, I just started bawling. “I’m so hungry! And so tired!” Maybe in that moment, a slight mistake on Greg’s part with a detail like which airport to fly into somehow made me feel unloved…completely ridiculous, of course. I said we weren’t allowed to talk until I was stuffing my face with a double quarter pounder with cheese. Then, I was fine. We still laugh about this story.

While at the adoption conference, we arrived earlier than the prospective parents to get a little more information with the process of adoption that was intended for social workers and agencies. This ended up being our favorite day because of the glimpse into the world that these agencies and social workers see on a daily basis. The next day, we felt like pros. We waltz into the session all excited to be there and something felt…different. Heavy. The expressions on the faces of some of the couples (especially the prospective fathers) was not one of excitement and joy, but of disillusionment. Maybe even entrapment. I looked at Greg and asked “Do you feel that?” “Yeah, what is that?” “Infertility,” I said. I couldn’t imagine some of the roads these couples had been down to be at this conference. The losses, the doctors visits, the hormone treatments.

Little did we know, we’d be starting down our own road of infertility a month later. With unexplained amenorrhea for nearly a year and now numerous doctors visits and specialists, the frustration has set in. My body is failing me…us. What’s it like being a 29 year old in menopause? Well, you don’t get the hormonal ups and downs and no pms, which is nice until you know that it means your body isn’t functioning properly. And with that your sex drive plummets and you start to think it’s your fault and that you’re not trying very hard. Then the doctors ask questions that don’t seem insensitive to a “normal” person (even to other women struggling with infertility whether from loss or just not being able to get pregnant for whatever reason) like, “How long have you been trying?” What is considered “trying?” They restate the question in a different way that is more offensive than the first, “you know, how long have you been trying to have a baby?” I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure that if you are not menstruating at all that you won’t be able to get pregnant.

I used to be one of those people who would ask a married couple, “So when are you going to have kids?” And I’ve been asked that question dozens of times by friends and family, especially now that our 6 year wedding anniversary is coming up on May 25th. But now I know how insensitive that question can be. Not just for the couples struggling with infertility, but for a God who created us to seek the fullness of Christ. As if the answer to that question should define us and define our worth as human beings. As if we are not whole or complete without children in our homes and lives. Children can be idols just as much as career, money or relationships. Those things in and of themselves are good, until our lives would no longer be complete and we would be devastated without them. That is the threshold of an idol. A substitute for God.

So where am I? Trying to wait patiently for the Lord. If it’s not in the cards for us, that’s ok. We will go back to what we do know and adopt or foster a child. Do I want a baby that has Greg’s rugged good looks, compassion and intellect and my athleticism and heart for the lost? If God wills it, we will welcome that child with open arms. What I want more is for my body to function properly and for these hurtful symptoms to go away and to bring glory to Jesus in the process. What have we been thankful for during this 1.5 years of trial? I am thankful for a marriage that gets stronger everyday and for a husband that is more understanding and encouraging than I could have ever imagined. I am thankful for friends and family who try to be supportive (even with unsolicited advice, their intentions are good) and may not have any idea how to do that. I am thankful that my worth is not defined by being a parent, or not, and that God is still working things for my good. I can trust in that.

Be encouraged!

This entry was posted in Faith, Family & Friends, Womenhood & Motherhood and tagged , , , , , , on by .

About Sarah Amidon

I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I've been married to my husband, Greg, for 10 years. We've lived in Dallas (4 years) Chicago (3 years) and now a suburb of Indianapolis with our son Zeke (born January 2014) and Wesley (born June 2016) and dog Miller. We love the journey God has us on together! I enjoy being a stay at home mom, cooking, playing volleyball (beach, grass or indoor, I'm there!), advocating for non-profit organizations in the fight against human trafficking, traveling and going on adventures! I am blessed by friends and family and the ministries and missionaries that we support. We love hosting people and getting to know them, so come on over for dinner or to stay the night! Above all, I love God and being reminded that I am His masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10), even with my flaws.

12 thoughts on “…Then Comes The Baby in a Baby Carriage

  1. Lauren

    Hey Sarah thanks for opening up and sharing. You are an totally example and your struggle is one everyone deals with. Living in a fallen and cursed world, trying to be secure in Christ alone. Love that you have a heart to be right in God’s arms and that you are trusting His ways are higher than yours, even if they don;t make sense to us. Thanks for letting me know how to pray for you guys. And we are so pumped to have you be partners with us here in Pei. You guys would love these people and maybe one day you will meet them. Love that you are taking your eyes off yourself and looking for ways for God to be more famous! Love you both. Lauren

  2. Chris

    Thanks for sharing. This is probably one of the best posts I’ve read from you. I’m sorry for the burden.

    Reading this reminded me of this truth. In Christ alone our hope is found. Esther and I had never experienced/understood just how true this statement is until the disappointments, suffering and heartaches of this past year started to take away many of the hopes that weren’t resting on Him. It’s been a very painful, but strangely sweet process.

    Even in this he is good and is purifying you, and that’s a wonderful thing. Without him this would just be meaningless pain, with him it’s a molding process and we even have the privilege to ask for a change of situation.

    Thanks for the post

  3. Liz

    I have walked the same path that you are on and all that I can offer you is pray. We don’t know each other but I did know Greg as a young man and he chose you, so you must be a very special woman. Find peace and love in each moment of the day.

  4. Michelle Maddox

    Thanks for the transparency Sarah. Praying for you and Greg on this journey. Our God is always with you. Love you guys.

  5. Wick

    1. I like the word “hangry”. It definitely works.

    2. Wow. That’s quite a journey, for sure…and you’re right, especially in modern American Chrisianity – we can inadvertantly worship our children…instead of humbling ourselves & allowing the experience of parenting transform us to be more like Christ. May God be with you as you find yourself being offered to Him in each step as your story continues…

  6. Kristie

    I love your vulnerability, and I sit with you anticipating all that God will reveal in this story He is writing with you and Greg (and Miller).

  7. Ruth

    Thank you Sarah. Your honesty and trust in Jesus is clearly shown here. I find it interesting that Greg was not a baby who just appeared. We struggled for more than two years to be able to conceive. That after the first child was pretty much the first “try”. The difference between you and me is that I did not have Jesus securely in my life nor was I trusting him. You are such an exquisite role model of walking by faith. I love you very much and am praying for both of you. I hope you are feeling better but haven’t heard an update so do not know.

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  10. Sharon

    And, here you are, 2 years later…with an adorable son. God’s mercies are new, every day…every week, month and year. You are awesome parents! And, even if you do not receive the blessing of having another child of your own, I know God has a plan for you to parent a child that really needs a mommy & daddy. Your home has so much love to share and we welcome the opportunity to be God’s hands and feet to the least of these who are deserving of a loving family. I love you my sweet daughter!

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